PARIS: You might as well stick your head in a sugar bowl.
RORY: If you can find one big enough.
PARIS: You won’t be able to eat like that forever, you know.
RORY: What are you getting?
PARIS: All bran. Asher turned me on to it.
RORY: He’s a romantic.
PARIS: He wants me to live a long time and be healthy. That is romantic.
RORY: Okay. Just a joke. No reflection on your man-friend.
RORY: This is humiliating.
LORELAI: Oh, no, we passed humiliating two minutes ago.
RORY: Luke’s gonna be completely out of doughnuts by the time we get there. […]
KIRK: How we doing back there?
RORY: We’re doing fine, Kirk.
KIRK: I figure this baby’s gonna be a real money…
LORELAI: A real money- moneywhat, Kirk?
RORY: Kirk, can you breathe?
[Kirk gasps for breath.]
LORELAI: Talk to us.
RORY: Hit the handlebars three times if you can breathe and two if you can’t. [He hit once.]
LORELAI: What does once mean?
RORY: That he couldn’t make it to twice?
LORELAI: Kirk. Kirk, stop, please.
KIRK: Just for a second. Then we’ll be on our way… like the wind.
LORELAI: Okay, you know what, Kirk? This has been really fun, but I think we’ll just hoof it the rest of the way.
KIRK: But the ride wasn’t over yet.
RORY: Yeah, but we don’t want to hog the cab.
LORELAI: ‘Cause there’s only one.
RORY: But we’ll tell our friends.
KIRK: What was wrong with the ride?
LORELAI: Uh, nothing. I mean, it’s great for tourists who are new to the town and want to make sure they don’t miss a thing.
KIRK: I wasn’t going that slow.
LORELAI: No, you just maybe need a little more training before tourist season kicks in. You know, take a spinning class or buy some legs.
RORY: Sorry, Kirk.
KIRK: You will be sorry. [Calling after them] You’ll be sorry you turned down the chance to ride in Stars Hollow’s first…
RORY: Now he’s gonna hate us forever.
LORELAI: No, he’s not. He’s just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.
KIRK: [Riding past them with ease] Well, well, well. I guess it wasn’t me that was slowing things down. I guess it was my big, fat cargo.
KIRK: Freshman 15!
KIRK: Can’t wait to get my doughnut!
LORELAI: Stay away from my doughnut, Kirk! I mean it! It’s my doughnut! Freak!
[Only two couples are left: Kirk and his partner, and another couple. The woman of the other couple falls to the ground]
KIRK: They’re out! They’re out! We won! We won! [runs over to Miss Patty and wakes her up]
MISS PATTY: Oh, oh, oh. Taylor, wake up! It’s over. Taylor, blow the horn.
TAYLOR: [asleep on some chairs] …a quarter right out of your ear.
MISS PATTY: Taylor, the horn. Oh, for Pete’s Sake. [Patty blows the air horn] Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!
[Lorelai rushes over to them]
LORELAI: Wait, what are you doing? I’m here, I’m standing, I used my yellow card!
KIRK: I win, I win! I win, I win, I win, I win!
LORELAI: You didn’t win! I’m still here! Patty, where’s Rory?
MISS PATTY: Oh, she ran off the floor a little while ago, honey.
LORELAI: What? No!
MISS PATTY: For the fifth year in a row, ladies and gentlemen, the marathon winner is Donna Delain and Kirk!
[Lorelai sees Rory across the gym, and she walks over to her]
LORELAI: Rory, what happened? Where did you go? [sees that Rory is crying] Oh, Rory, honey! Oh.
[Lorelai and Rory hug while Kirk runs around the gym with the trophy]
JESS: Dean’s a jerk. Yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everybody…the guy’s a total jerk.
RORY: No, he’s not. He’s right. Everything he said. All those things about you and me, all those things about me lying to him, and messing with his head. He was right. Well, wasn’t he? Fine, he was right about me, then. Now go away.
JESS: He was right… about all of it.
RORY: So, what now?
JESS: You’re definitely broken up with Dean?
RORY: Yeah, I’m definitely broken up with Dean.
JESS: Okay. I have to go take care of something then.
RORY: Jess. He’s still there. I can’t believe he’s still there.
DEAN: Just ignore him.
RORY: Yeah. You know, this is a dance marathon. You’re not supposed to come and sit and watch, you’re supposed to dance. He’s just trying to bug me, sitting there right in front of me, staring. Jerk.
SHANE: I’m bored.
[they start kissing]
RORY: There they go again! God, I swear, why can’t they just get a room? Or forget a room – get a park bench, or a doorway, or even a strategically placed telephone pole would probably suffice. I mean, girls like Shane – what is it with them? Don’t they see what they look like? I know they have mirrors.
JESS: Hey, you talking about me?
JESS: I heard you mention Shane.
RORY: Shane isn’t you.
JESS: Shane concerns me.
RORY: Shane concerns me, too – and all women, for that matter.
JESS: You got a problem here?
RORY: Nope. Just a little sick of seeing the two of you sitting there. If you’re not gonna participate, then why don’t you just leave?
SHANE: That works for me. Let’s go.
RORY: Why not?
JESS: Because I’m not ready to go.
RORY: Oh really?
JESS: Yes, really. I’m gonna sit here as long as I like, and I’m gonna do whatever I like, and if you don’t like it, then just ignore me and pay attention to your boyfriend.
DEAN: Sorry, she can’t. I’m not her boyfriend anymore.
DEAN: You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.
RORY: What are you talking about?
DEAN: You don’t wanna be with me, Rory.
RORY: Yes, I do.
DEAN: Oh, please! You’ve been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn’t true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You’re into him and he’s into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this ‘cause it’s so damn obvious.
RORY: What’s obvious? What did I do?
DEAN: Everyone can see, Rory! Everyone. And I’m tired, but I’m over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There’s nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I’m out.
LORELAI: Tell me a joke.
RORY: Knock knock.
LORELAI: [giggles] That was a good one. Ow! My heel broke!
LORELAI: My heel just broke off. Damn, these are brand new shoes, too.
RORY: They were made in 1943.
LORELAI: Well, I just bought them Tuesday.
RORY: I told you not to wear vintage shoes.
LORELAI: But the lady at the store said that they hadn’t been worn a lot.
RORY: Yeah, but not a lot in sixty years is still a lot.
LORELAI: I gotta fix ‘em. I’ll use my emergency card. I’ll be right back.
RORY: No, stop. If you leave, there’s no way I’ll be able to stand up on my own.
LORELAI: Ten minutes.
LORELAI: Fine, hold on. Dean, come here! Dean!
RORY: What are you doing?
[Dean walks over to them]
DEAN: Is everything okay?
LORELAI: Yeah, it’s great. Stand here.
LORELAI: Look, I’ll be back in ten minutes. Do not let her stop or lay down, do you understand me?
DEAN: But I –
LORELAI: I need you, Dean. The team needs you.
DEAN: What team?
LORELAI: Pick a team – it needs you! I’ll be right back.
[Lorelai walks away]
RORY: I’m really sorry about this.
DEAN: Yeah, uh, it’s okay.
RORY: Are you sure?
DEAN: Yeah. Actually, it’s not bad at all.
RORY: The sandwiches are for the dancers.
JESS: I’m dancing on the inside.
RORY: What are you doing here?
JESS: I live here.
RORY: You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
JESS: I don’t know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?
DEAN: I wouldn’t direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.
JESS: I’m just trying to support my town.
RORY: Good, then go back to New York.
JESS: Ooh. Zing. I’ve been snapped.
RORY: You think you’re bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that?
JESS: You think you’re bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that?
RORY: I’m not staring at you.
JESS: Then how do you know I’m staring at you?
RORY: I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.
JESS: So you can’t control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him?Sorry, man. That’s cold.
DEAN: My former comment still stands.
RORY: Go home.
JESS: No, thanks.
RORY: Then get out of my way.
JESS: Didn’t realize I was in your way. There you go. It’s all yours. God help you.
SHANE:[walks over to them] Where did you go? I’ve been sitting out there for twenty minutes.
JESS: The break’s only for ten.
SHANE: It’s just a saying.
JESS: I came to get food.
SHANE: Good, I’m starved.
RORY: The food is for the dancers.
SHANE: Who are you, Bobby Brady? Get a life.
JESS: Rory’s feeling a little territorial today.
SHANE: Whatever. God, what is this thing?
DEAN: Rory, get your stuff and let’s go.
JESS: Ooh, that was good. Now say ‘then get in there and make me my supper.’
RORY: I got ‘em.
DEAN: Come on.
LORELAI: Hey Kirk, relax. Dancing’s supposed to be fun.
KIRK: You know what will be fun, Lorelai? Jogging around your prostrate body with that shiny temple of silver importance hoisted in the air for all to see. That will be fun. [dances away]
LORELAI: Do you think serious Kirk is more disturbing than non-serious Kirk?
RORY: Actually, I think they’re both about the same.
DEAN: Wow, you guys look great.
RORY: Hey, you came.
DEAN: Hey, you’re standing.
LORELAI: Hey, we had coffee.
DEAN: I can tell. So, how’s it going?
RORY: Oh, it’s been pretty quiet so far. However, I do believe –
ANDREW: [in background] You went out with Liam Neeson! Are you kidding me?
LORELAI: Right on time!
ANDREW: Why would you ever tell me that you went out with Liam Neeson? Why would you do that?
WOMAN: Because I was trying to be honest.
ANDREW: I don’t believe that A, you actually went out with Liam Neeson, and B, that you would choose to tell me now at this moment that you went out with Liam Neeson!
ANDREW: I can’t stand Liam Neeson! [storms off]
RORY: See, fun!
LORELAI: And no one’s even thrown up yet.
KIRK: Good luck to you.
LORELAI: And to you.
[Kirk and his partner walk away]
LORELAI: He’s going down.
RORY: I hate to bring this up.
RORY: Kirk has very little in his life.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: He has no career, no girlfriend, no pet, no car. He lives with his mother, she won’t even let him have his own key. The only thing he does have in his whole lonely pathetic existence is this marathon. If we win, if we take him down, if we take away that last little piece of dignity, then we leave him with nothing.
LORELAI: I wonder if he’ll cry.
RORY: My mother, the Howard Roark of Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: Well, I believe three minutes is plenty of time for some coffee.
RORY: Yes, coffee, please.
[they walk over to Luke’s coffee table on the side of the dance floor]
LORELAI: Hey, we’re dying, load us up.
LUKE: It isn’t ready yet.
LORELAI: What do you mean it’s not ready? It’s six in the morning. Nothing says coffee like six in the morning.
[Luke picks up a thermos and hands it to them]
LUKE: You did not get this from me.
LORELAI: Then who do we send our kisses of gratitude to?
LUKE: The eternal question asked yet again.
LORELAI: Hi there. Um, this is Rory Gilmore and I’m Lorelai Gilmore.
NURSE: Lorelai Gilmore?
LORELAI: Yeah, L – o – r …
NURSE: You don’t look like you’ve recently suffered a face-altering car crash.
LORELAI: Uh, excuse me?
NURSE: You’re also supposed to have buck teeth, a club foot, and alopecia.
LORELAI: Oh. I’m sorry, who told you this?
NURSE: My husband.
LORELAI: Your husband? Well, who’s …Stanley Appleman. Your husband is Stanley Appleman.
LORELAI: Okay, well, it’s very nice to meet you. Stanley’s said the nicest things about you. In the one tiny short conversation we had, you know, standing way far apart. You know, too far to touch, but close enough to hear all the wonderful things he said about his adorable, sweet-tempered, lovable… can we have someone else do our physical?
RORY: Are you sure you don’t need some help?
LANE: Yeah, it’s okay. I finally got a really good footing.
RORY: What is that stuff?
LANE: Eggless egg salad. Though this year my mom added food coloring to make the egg-like product look more eggy.
LANE: And every sandwich comes with your own personal pamphlet “Dancing for the Devil,” an illustrated look at the effect of dancing on your chances of spending all eternity in hell.
RORY: Boy, her flames are getting really good.
LANE: Well, she just bought a new color printer. You can do a ton of stuff with it.
MRS. KIM: Lane, get scooping! The minute air hits the bread, it starts to stale.
LORELAI: I have to say, for a couple of modern girls, we have time-warped with the best of ‘em.
LORELAI: How ya doing there, champ?
LORELAI: Yes, it’s a tad early.
RORY: No sun.
LORELAI: Well, he’s not up yet.
RORY: I can’t even open my eyes.
LORELAI: That’s okay, there’s nothing to see. Kirk’s in a Speedo, Taylor’s in a skirt, Al’s in assless chaps.
RORY: Oh my God, stop. I’m never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
RORY: Paris, hi. Listen, I need to ask you something.
RORY: Well, there’s this big event that’s happening in my town…
PARIS: Pig race?
RORY: Dance marathon.
PARIS: I was close.
RORY: It’s on Saturday, and it’s a twenty-four hour thing and my mother really wants to win, and her partner bailed on her and, long story short, I was wondering if there was anyway we could move this Saturday’s Franklin thing to next Saturday.
MADELINE: What did she say?
LOUISE: I don’t know. What did you say?
PARIS: I said yes.
LOUISE: She said yes.
MADELINE: She said yes.
LOUISE: [walks up to a guy] Are you free on Saturday?
GUY: Uh, no.
LOUISE: [to another guy] What about you? Come on – speak.
MADELINE: [from across the room] Louise, I got two over here!
PARIS: So, we’re done, right?
RORY: You had a good time yesterday.
PARIS: What was yesterday?
RORY: Yesterday was the day that you were all freaked out about the seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin and today’s the day you’re not.
PARIS: Rory, just because I agreed to postpone a newspaper session does in no way imply –
RORY: You can’t even stop smiling.
PARIS: I can, too.
RORY: Tell me.
PARIS: Okay. Well, we went for coffee, and he talked about how he had a great time on our date, and how he finds me fascinating, and how he thought about me all the time. Okay, there, happy?
RORY: Wow, he likes you.
PARIS: I left an impression.